8 months on

Jake was 33 weeks old on Monday, which is, roughly speaking, 8 months old. It seems like yesterday and forever ago at the same time. I can't seem to remember what life was really like and couldn't imagine a life without him. He's definitely here to stay! I do feel that we wasted a lot of time before he arrived and took a LOT for granted, like being able to go out at the drop of a hat, random nights in a pub or restaurant. We used to complain we were bored sometimes at the weekend, so why on earth didn't we go zorbing or take a course in candlemaking or do up an old house. Not that it would be impossible to do (this weekend we're actually going ape for example, it's just that everything takes more thinking about and more time.

Now that Jake is getting bigger, he's requiring more stimulation and the time will come, soon I suspect, when there will not be a chance of getting bored. Our spare time will be all about him and keeping him amused. It's kind of like that now, but his enjoyment will soon become more fun for us too. We went to a playground with my sister, brother in law and their kids recently and met up with another friend who was overseeing his son on the death slide and I'm really looking forward to that. My routine with my boy. Sunday mornings perhaps, although not too early. I hope I don't take it for granted and enjoy it as much as I think I will.

We're in a nice state of denial right now as we're two months away from Jake's next operation. He's a lot of fun and is developing before our eyes and it's taking our mind off of the horrendous journey we have to make at least once more before we can properly relax and put all the cleft stuff behind us. I think because we have a family holiday planned, it's easy to ignore it, but as soon as we're home, it'll hit us. I think this one will be even harder on Jake and us too. Before it was horrible because he was so little and fragile but this time, he's so much more of a little boy who can express himself more. Also, for us, there's no physical payoff; the lip repair was necessary both physically and socially. Socially for him and for us. I am a lot more relaxed now, knowing that we don't need to explain anything to anyone, no one looks twice (other than to coo!), everything's normal in fact. This op is hugely important but it won't change his appearance like the first op did so profoundly. I do think that it will be the start of the next exciting chapter. The one where Jake starts to make more word like noises - he said 'mama' the other day, we swear. It's also the one where he gets suction and can perhaps hold a bottle and learn to feed himself. I think the time between 8 months and 1 year will speed past and before long we'll wishing he was tiny again and trotting out all the usual cliches.

It's been almost a year since I started this blog and although I committed to keeping it up until the second operation, I like to think that I'll carry it on. Why not? Jake's cleft is just one part of his life, it shouldn't define him and in fact it hasn't...Jake is a smiley, happy, funny baby and that's what people always saw and will (I hope) always see. Even before the lip repair his personality was so sunny that his cleft was secondary. Maybe I'm wearing rose tints here already or maybe we just have great friends and family who, through education and upbringing know to see the person first and any 'defect'(God I hate that word) second. As he grows older and experiences life and we get to know him more and more, these set backs will dim and our focus will be entirely elsewhere.

Here's some recent photos.

I spoke too soon

A blip. A happy blip, but a blip all the same. I should have known not to get too excited about it. The very thought of Jake sleeping every day, or consistently even, until 8am seems absurd given his track record. The important thing is that he can do it when he puts his mind to it.

Sunday morning he was awake, screaming, at 3am and again at 6am. Clare did the feeds as I was, erm, rather 'tired' shall we say, in the wake of some bank holiday weekend frivolities. We stayed at my sister's on Sunday night and he woke at 12.15am and then 5.20am, again screaming.

The screaming tells us it's teeth because he never screams when he wakes up unless it's teeth. In fact he doesn't really wake up unless it's teeth or a cold or something which makes him uncomfortable. So as long as it's teeth (and it is teeth) then it's temporary. Everytime he's had a series of disturbed nights he goes back to his old pattern of going to bed at 7pm and going through but each time a bit later. Last time he came out of his ups and downs was when he started sleeping until 6/6.30 so fingers crossed after this round of torture he'll go until the magic 7am.

We think the second tooth on his upper set is just emerging now which should see him settle a bit more. It's good for him to have matching gnashers top and bottom but I love his little smile with just the one peg peeking through!

Can't remember if I've written about Jake's christening but it's all confirmed for May 10th back at the church we were married at almost 3 years ago. He's getting a separate service so the focus will all be on him. Quite right!

The dawn of a new era?

A very quick update. Jake slept from 7pm to 8am this morning!!!!!! I'm so excited, we were awake before he was. Could this be the beginning of the end, or rather the end of the beginning???

Sleep. Again.

Time was, when Jake waking up at 5.30 was a result. It meant we'd probably have had 7or so hours' sleep. Then, when he starting going the extra hour to 6.30, we were excitedly anticipating when he would add the last 30 minutes to make the perfect sleep and arrive at the holy grail of 7am.

As you may be gathering, this is (yet) another post moaning about Jake! Yes he's lovely, yes his smile makes us melt, yes, yes, yes, blah, blah, blah, Christ we're so tired...

When he's slept enough, he tends to eat well, nap well, be content and most importantly, sleep well. A happy circle if you will. When he gets up at 5.20am and won't go back to sleep his naps are out of sync, he spits his food out, generally has the arse all day and then sleeps until 5.20am the following morning. Not so happy.

He's definitely old enough for the controlled crying now. He knows exactly how to play us. When he wakes up and does his fake crying, he's bullshitting us. Problem is, it works. It's just not that easy to lie in bed listening to it, hoping on hope that he'll change his mind and just chill, when you know by getting him and putting him in our bed he'll be o.k. Or less arsey at least.

It didn't help that I had a bottle of rose to myself and didn't get into bed until midnight of course.

The food thing is frustrating and the cleft does have a little to do with it. We have to get the consistency just right: to runny and it comes out of his nose and too thick, it could get stuck. Clare's been weaning for over 2 months now and although some days are good, it's very difficult for him. The food makes him sneeze every meal time which sprays puree everywhere. Funny at first, not so much now.

Come June 18th the palate will be repaired and he will get suction for the first time in his life. This will mean he can drink from a normal bottle, use a Tommie Tippee and eat properly. All the things that others take for granted but this should make things a lot easier.

Sharing stories

So Mr. Moodie, who I told you about on a previous post, regularly updates his blog from stories picked up on the web and via Smile Train, the organisation he is involved in.

I will republish some of these here starting with this one about a little girl from the Philippines, who like Pinki, was poor, uneducated and ostracised from society until the Smile Train came along. Life affirming stuff.

The rain in Spain....

We're back! The first thing to report is that Jake was an angel, there and back. Both flights, not a whimper to be heard. I remember thinking that he must look quite cute in his pyjamas as I was carrying him through the plane - we were last on - but I'm sure everyone with a spare seat in spitting distance was thinking 'don't you dare'.

Glass half full, I'd describe the week as relaxing, warm and a welcome break. Half empty and it's more like frustrating, a bit boring and expensive.

It was kind of a week of two moods and two weather systems although not linked as you would imagine. The weather for the first 3 days was lovely, almost 22 degrees,a gentle breeze and I even managed a slight tan. Out of principle I went in the pool but it felt like diving into liquid nitrogen so got out immediately.

So while the weather was good, my temperament was less so. Firstly I was still wound up and full of work stress and secondly I was having to adjust to spending all day long with Jake, day after day. This was the longest period of time that I have done that. Even during my paternity leave, I had to come into work every second or third day and he slept most of the time then. I'm not after a medal here, I know he's my son and I should want to spend time with him, but it's a shock to the system. Clare, on the other hand, took it all in her stride as she's used to it. This is her life...everything's routine, even crying, screaming and random nappy explosions are routine. For me, anything unexpected equals stress and when you can't get away, as you are usually able to, it's hard to unwind.

This trip was always an experiment to give us the heads up on what to expect when we go to Italy in June and back to Spain in September. It's difficult though to not hanker after the experiences of previous trips now that you are unable to recreate them. We've been going to the villa for 13 years and it's my favourite place anywhere. Lovely weather, great views, wonderful food but the first part of this trip made me miss the old Spain. Not the most recent pre-Jake trips but the original Spain I remember: the Peseta one. When fags were a pound a packet and my lack of conscience / wife allowed me to smoke as many as I could. Where Bianca would wait on us at La Cucaracha, bringing tray after tray of Red Bull y vodkas and only charging us for half. Having horrendous hangovers which miraculously got better by lunch time and no cares in the world. Don't get me wrong, I was young and foolish then and have (almost) grown up now and my life is immeasurably better but suddenly Jake was in charge. In charge of everything we could and (more significantly) could not do. Whereas before, the most stressful part of the day was deciding which beach to go to, now we would have to wait until the morning nap was over, pack everything we took on holiday in the world's smallest hire car, then struggle through Jake's lunch and then, maybe go the beach and spend 2 hours holding him upright and trying to stop him eating the sand!

I'm sure anyone else who's been through the first holiday with baby experience will understand, but after having read through this, I'm not sure anyone else will.

The other issue was that our satellite system is archaic and I forgot to take a key component which would have given us a few channels to watch. Instead we watched Sky News, with their identical 15 minute bulletins, for the entire week. I did take a laptop with some films on it so we were able to turn the news off at night but some variety would have been welcome. Also Spain just got really expensive. The exchange rate meant that I got 25% less then 18 months ago and prices have gone up across the board too. Gone are the days where £300 got you a meal out every night and as much booze as you could drink.

Then, half way through the holiday the weather turned and ironically so did our mood. Clare sent me off for some 'me time' and I drove to Calpe to watch walkers climbing the Ifach and all of a sudden felt like I was on holiday. Even though the sunshine had gone, I was relaxed and feeling good. Jake's routine actually became enjoyable and I like to think he had fun on his first holiday and appreciated that Daddy and Mummy were there for the whole week.

Saturday was Clare's birthday and we had the most 'normal' holiday evening. We started at Algas, a cocktail bar with a view across the beach to the harbour and then onto the Olive Tree, our favourite restaurant. It was great to get out and even if Algas wasn't serving cocktails and my pint glass broke in my hand, soaking my jeans in beer, or having to juggle Jake and a thai green curry, it was just what we needed.

The weather never cheered up but it didn't matter and we had a lovely trip anyway. Aside from Sky News we watched a load of films and I read a great book, 'What Would Google Do?' by Jeff Jarvis. It's a brilliant book which tells the story of Google and their '10 things...' and how all businesses can and should adapt to the new online order. Adapt or die is the basic message. A lot of what's in the book resonated with me as I've been telling it to clients for years. It's good to be vindicated but I'd like to turn that into money. Smug and poor isn't the look I'm after! By comparison I remember writing here last June about the four books I read in Egypt. I think those days are over or at least numbered but actually I don't mind. I'm looking forward to when Jake nags me to build him another sand castle or buy him an ice cream or play bat and ball and THAT's when holidays will be great again.

Now, if you don't mind, there's 400 emails waiting to be deleted.

More teeth, (slightly) more sleep and the professor

Good morning. No, a great morning. Jake didn't wake up until 6.30am today. Life is so much better when that happens. Especially on the Friday before the Saturday you're going to see an away match which is the weekend before you go to Spain!

The last few weeks has been a real turning point. Jake's getting huge as he's on 3 meals a day but still hasn't dropped a bottle. He's not crawling but he is now consistently rolling over from back to front. He can't get back yet but he's half way there, the clever thing.

He's been restless and has had an upset stomach over the last few days but we discovered a new tooth which could explain it. As each tooth comes through I feel we're nearer a full pattern of sleep which is, I suppose, the holy grail. That said, if he sleeps until 6am + every day for ever that's o.k with me.

He's also a lot more fun now, really loves being upright, especially in his bouncer. He loves to bounce and I feel guilty to say that it makes me laugh when he's in it and starts crying but continues bouncing! He laughs almost on demand now and LOVES the bath. He lays there thrashing his legs up and down and making snow angel shapes with his arms. I get soaked every night but it's a lot of fun.

We went back to see Prof Haers on Tuesday and he was very pleased. I like to think that he would be honest and at the very least not say how pleased he was, if he wasn't. We have seen a couple of repairs where the nose didn't come out too well and we wondered what he'd have told the parents...then we worried that Jake's nose doesn't look to us like it looks to other people. Then we realised how paranoid we were being and pulled ourselves together. We're chuffed to bits with his nose (as the Prof was) and if anyone else sees it differently then that's up to them.

The Prof explained the next procedure which doesn't sound like much fun. They get his mouth open as wide as possible and using magnifiers, precision instruments and a steady hand break up the muscles in the edges of the exposed palate so that they can then be pulled into place and stitched together. Again, thank God for these people.

There are two unlikely but possible complications post op. The first could manifest itself in a matter of days and is, to an extent, the luck of the draw; this is when a hole, a fistula, appears in the repaired palate. A small fistula ought not to be a problem and in many cases would not mean further surgery. They would only look to close it up again if it were to cause social or psychological problems, i.e milk comes out of the nose at school or an overly nasal twang to speech. There's a 20% chance of a fistula and another 20% chance of having to have it repaired should it happen. That said, I'm done with percentages.

The other problem is that the new palate is too short or two long. Both cases can have speech implications and the chances are similar to a hole appearing.

Less common still is that as Jake's skull and face develops there could be jaw alignment issues. This is actually more common in people without clefts but it's when the lower jaw is less prominent than it should be. There was a boy in the waiting room who looked (to me) as if he was affected. Without sounding cruel, you could tell something was up and he'll need it dealt with for his own self confidence when he gets a bit older. The problem is with bone related operations is that the body needs to have stopped growing at its fastest rate before they happen which means that the child will have had the issue throughout the time when kids are at their most vindictive and predatory. I felt sorry for this boy and hope he isn't getting too much of a hard time.

We sat next to a couple with a 5 week old boy in the waiting room who, like us had had the heads up at the 20 week scan. Their baby was to be born with a bilateral cleft lip and potentially a cleft palate too. Bilateral cleft lips are a bit more shocking as they tend to go up both nostrils and look much messier. It sounds harsh but it's true. Although it was their second child, I can imagine they went through all the worry and heartache we did, only a bit worse because the cleft was supposedly going to be more severe. They needn't have worried as the clefts are literally like tiny snips in the front of the lip. Neither the gum line or top of the lip is affected and the palate is fine. It must have been the ultimate sense of relief. Going from thinking about a severe bilateral cleft, a minimum of two operations, speech therapy etc to having a lip repair which is not much more than a collagen injection. Good for them, they'll be fine.

So we're off on Jake's first foreign holiday. Off to sunny Spain which should be a great temperature for March, somewhere in the late 60s/ early 70s. I like it hotter but it's best for Jake that it's not crazy heat. We're going Tuesday to Tuesday so the airport and flight ought not to be too much of a hassle. If he cries for two hours then so be it. If anyone has a problem, I may have to remind them that a £60 Easyjet ticket doesn't come with a soundproof club seat and they might like to consider switching airlines if they don't like the sound of crying babies. How things change, I remember thinking 'shut that f^%$&*" baby up' on any number of flights before. Now I know!

We really need this trip, it's been 10 months since we went to Egypt and the walls have started to close in. Work, like many others at the moment is tricky, balancing staff expectations with clients' shrinking budgets is never much fun! That along with 6 months of broken sleep on the back of 5 months of anxiety means we need a break. Get your violins out if you want!

Post holiday report will follow.


He's getting big!

Sleep, Smile Pinki and an unbelievable coincidence

I've been putting off writing this blog entry for a while as I didn't want to tempt fate. Unfortunately I waited too long and fate has not only been tempted but realised.

Two weeks ago Jake had a breakthrough. He would go to sleep and stay asleep until at least 4.30am...then 5.30am and then a string of 6.15's. It really felt as if someone had handed us the key to our cell and was showing us the way to the tunnel! However the last two nights in a row have been proliferated with half hourly crying sessions which need considerable shushing and the odd dummy deployment. It's so frustrating, you think you'd done the hardest bit but then he switches it up to keep us on our toes. Here's hoping it's a blip and normal sleep service will be resumed from tonight.

Next up, congratulations to 'Smile Pinki' which won 'Best Short Documentary' at the Oscars. The documentary is about a poor Indian girl, ostracised from her community, ridiculed and left to a life of solitude and shame until the Smile Train came along and repaired her lip at the age of 7. Pinki was at the Oscars although she fell asleep on her Dad's lap so didn't join Megan Mylan, the director on stage when the film won. I guess making it all the less cheesy and more poignant. I saw an online ad which read 'which Oscar will change the lives of 4 million children?'. A worthy winner indeed.

Which brings me to the coincidence. Yesterday morning I Googled Smile Pinki as I heard it had won and had been following the film's progress since it was nominated. Naturally I was pleased that it had won but after following a few threads I landed on a blog from a guy called Martin. His company it turned out, are very much involved with the Smile Train and organise various fund raisers and have done great things over the years to promote the good things it does. Naturally you can imagine my surprise when I tell you that half an hour later, I was talking to the very same Martin in our office at a sales meeting which had been arranged the week before to talk about his business requirements. As we talked about the coincidence and his involvement and experience with Smile Train, he revealed that not only is he good pals with the founder of the Smile Train, but he is about to join the board!

I've only just started donating to this charity and a week later I have a new contact with a direct route to the founder of it. Weird and spooky but cool too. I'm not sure if I've written much about this cause before but they are an inspiring organisation. They have a total of 43 staff yet have made over 500,000 cleft operations possible, free of charge in some of the poorest and remote communities around the world. There philosophy is 'teach a man to fish' whereby they provide training, materials and support, instead of 'give a man some fish' like so many of the missionary charities who maybe carry out just 200 operations a year. Those other charities do fantastic work but it's so costly flying hundreds of western doctors and nurses out to perform the operations. According to the New York Times, the Smile Train is "...one of the most productive charities -dollar for deed - in the world." Just $250 dollars is enough to pay for one child to have his or her cleft repaired. I felt compelled to give a monthly donation as I know that every year someone else will also get the operation that Jake had for free instead of suffering a lifetime of despair. Pinki shows me that we're all really the same...doesn't matter whether you're a middle class boy from Guildford or the poorest little girl in India, a cleft's still a cleft.

Check The Smile Train out here...

www.smiletrain.org/

Jake got a(nother) girlfriend!

Ahh, little, little one AKA Sadie Tulloch was born but C section at 00:30 on Tuesday, narrowly missing her due date by half an hour. Mother and baby doing just peachy. Massive congratulations to proud parents, Sarah and Hamish. The photo I've seen is pretty blurry but she's definitely a cutie and Jake's going to be pleased with the addition to his hareem!

Going to an all boys school, girls were a bit of a mystery to me as a nipper so it'll be great for Jake to have as many female friends as possible. Of the 8 most recent babies born to friends and family there are 4 boys and 4 girls which seems about right in the natural order of things. In the relatively short time since writing this blog (and not counting the 7 NCT babies), Molly, Jake, Henry, Aniela, Eliza, Rufus, Jack and now Sadie have entered the world and it's going to be great watching how they all grow up. The ups and downs that punctuate their development and shape their personalities will be a source of constant amazement to their families and friends. It's life affirming stuff this parenting lark...Jake screamed for 2 and half hours between 9 and 11pm yesterday and all it took for me to forget it was the wry smile on his face when I went in and turned on the light. I know just turning the light on is creating the cliched rod for one's back, but I don't so much mind the rod if it's accompanied by that smile.

I think that I'm slowly learning that I can't fix everything right away and he will be unpredictable or unbearable at times but that's kind of the point in having a child. After childhood and education, early working life and a lot of reckless partying, we settle down and have kids. It's the next step or even just a change so as to do something different in life. A challenge if you will. As long as the good outweighs the bad (and it always seems to so far) it should be a lot of fun and as the sickening advert says 'there's no greater adventure than having kids'. Cheesy as that sounds the point I'm making is that we shouldn't know exactly what's going to happen, it should unravel slowly so each day or each stage should surprise, engage, entertain us somehow, otherwise it would be incredibly dull and predictable. Once you realise that and accept that your new life is a better life and has been enhanced massively by adding a new person to it you can deal with the crap much more easily and get on with all the great stuff.

How's that for deep!

Sleep, teeth and two steps backward

Aside from the cleft, sleep, or lack thereof was always my primary concern during Clare's pregnancy. How I would cope on 4 or 5 hours a night was always a big worry. After Jake was born it took a while to adjust but we did adjust and it's amazing how you can actually cope. Then for probably three months Jake would miss out the eleven pm or midnight feed and go to 3am before waking for food. Then he'd sleep until 6 or sometimes 7. We have a clock which projects the time onto our ceiling so know about his waking times and analyse them more than we perhaps ought to but life is about routine and it's how we see him develop. We bore anyone stupid enough not to make their excuses with tales of how tired we are and how he slept last night! Anyway for a long time he was a one-feed-a-night baby and we could probably cope with that indefinitely.

Then his op came along and quite understandably it messed with his routine completely and things haven't been the same since. It's been a month since the lip repair and we've had two of the old nights but the rest have been at best unpredictable and at worst, horrendous.

One of Jake's best habits was passing out at on the dot of 7pm after his food and would be fast asleep without so much as a murmur but now he fights it and quite often needs shushing and stroking and dummying before going to sleep. Then he wakes at 8, 9 and 10. His best trick now is to save up his rage until either five minutes before we fall asleep or five minutes after. If I was crossing my fingers before, I am praying to the East and making deals with God now.

The problem is that, following the operation he got a cold (how cruel is that) and now he's getting teeth. Understandably he's got the hump but he's teething all day long so I don't get it that he only wants to scream at night. We drug him up to the eyeballs before he goes to sleep but nothing really helps. It's just one of those things we have to go through. I'm sure anyone reading this will think this is just a moan and I should get over it but as I've said before, this is my blog and if you don't like it write your own. Or just piss off. Can you tell I'm tired?!

Jake's cousin Jack!

Massive congratulations to Matt (Clare's older brother) and Vee on the birth of their beautiful baby boy, Jack. We went to see the little man on Sunday and although every parent of a six month old says it, you really forget just how small they were and how light they feel. He almost fits in one hand! Anyway he's lovely and Vee's labour was a breeze and they were all home within the same 24 hours so as to avoid the snow.

It's great news and I'm looking forward to seeing Jake and Jack as thick as theives in the years to come. I wished I'd seen more of my cousins whilst growing up so I'm determined that Jake will be friends with his.

2 weeks on

I can't believe it was two weeks ago that we were at the hospital enduring the wait before Jake's operation. All baby related things tend to move pretty quickly and they grow and change in the blink of an eye. I now understand that 'oooo haven't you grown' isn't a cliche, it's just true. Jake is changing before my eyes which is wonderful but I also don't want to miss any of it. He rolled over for the first time earlier in the week and this morning, instead of having to put him in our bed when he was crying at 6am, we had to go into his room to check he was still there! When we went in we found him playing with his cot mobile...the aroma in the room would normally mean that he'd be in a foul mood desperate for a nappy change but he was happily playing and making cute baby noises!

The first week and a half after the op wasn't much fun and sleep was not on Jake's agenda. He would still go to bed on time without much fuss but he would wake almost hourly with the kind of apoplectic rage I usually direct at traffic wardens and people who don't indicate left when leaving a roundabout. Lots of shushing and consoling was required and, on occasion, a second feed was required to get him back into sleepy town.

Now he's back on sleeping through with just the one feed but he's more unsettled in the evening. The evening has always been our sanctuary. I get in, make stupid noises, make him laugh, bath him (sometimes), feed him and put him to bed and then Clare and I are able to enjoy a normal evening like we did before he was born. It's not too bad but we have to endure the controlled crying thing before going to settle him if he doesn't manage it himself. I always go to sleep with my fingers crossed (I actually do this!) hoping he won't be too much of a pain for Clare which will therefore mean he'll be good when it's my all night shift on Friday!

Anyway, he's hopefully over the worst of the pain now and we're reducing his meds daily. The scar is healing nicely but starting to shrink a bit so he'll look different from week to week until it settles down in a year or so.

We started weaning the other day and Jake's first attempt at baby rice went well as you can see below!

More soon.

Well, that's that then

So we're back. Jake is my new hero, what a brave little boy. All went virtually to plan but we had to wait an hour and a half on Wednesday just so we could have the 5 minute check over by the doctor to make sure Jake was a.o.k for the operation.

This was caused by the fact that Jake's name was at various times spelt by morons who were employed to ensure the NHS is complying with equal opportunity policies. Jake 'Fernig' perhaps seems a forgivable enough error when you consider g's proximity to e on a keyboard but not so forgivable when you consider major facial surgery. What if there had been a Jake Fernig due for a completely different operation? The poor lad would have gone in for an eye test and come out with a repair to a non-existent cleft! Next he was Duke Barney!?!?!?! WTF? My God, I'm all for equality but you'd think someone might double check...surely the base level for all equal opportunities type policy ought to be basic ability to listen, read and write. How is it 'equal' when people who are plainly, idiots are incapable of doing the actual job, get the job over normally educated people who could do the job standing on their heads?

Either way, the operation went ahead, albeit two and half hours late. Why nothing is ever on time when it's been in the diary for months I'll never know. Also Jake was the only baby and the only one there who'd never had an operation before. We had to starve him from 6am and to his enormous credit he went all the way to 2.30pm with nothing more than some low level grumbles. One of the people waiting was a 15 year old boy in for a lip and nose revision and the other, coincidentally, was a young girl from Guildford, in for palate hole and lip revision. Both of these cases could have understood that the baby would have to take priority as they'd had operations before and it's the waiting more than anything else which is the hardest to cope with.

A note on these other cases. Piet had told us that in 500 operations only two had revisions, yet here were two people in for revisions! What are the chances?! I think that a lot of what we had been told was to keep us calm before the event, knowing that we'd just cope afterwards.

So, that's my only complaint dealt with, the rest is nothing but praise and admiration. Firstly, the hospital was incredible. Only a few years old, super modern, brightly decorated, welcoming and spotlessly clean. MRSA would be scared to step foot in the Evelina children's hospital; we were very impressed. The nurses were fantastic, so kind and attentive. I guess they get huge job satisfaction working with babies but still they work 12 hour shifts on sod all money and keep a smile on their faces at all times. They were great and put as much at ease as possible.

So the hour finally came when it was time to take Jake down to the theatre and it was the moment we were dreading most. Saying goodbye to him and holding him as he was given the gas and air was horrendous; he had a look on his face which just said 'why?'. It occurred to me that he'd never asked for any of this. He thought everything was fine, he was eating and sleeping well, socialising, learning, developing etc, etc and then we go and sedate him and have him operated on. Obviously all for his own benefit but you try to rationalise with an 18 week old baby! Poor bloke...it was an emotional time but thankfully the anaesthetist ushered out quite quickly so we didn't have much time to dwell and went for a long walk and a drink while we waited.

Time waiting to go into the recovery unit dragged for an eternity but eventually it came. We walked down with nervous anticipation, worried that Jake would be changed and in pain. One of the nurses was cuddling him and he looked bewildered and groggy from the morphine. It was both a shock and not a shock to see him. I knew he'd look different but not that different but what I found upsetting was that the old Jake was gone, vanished into history and it seemed like that's what we wanted. Actually we love the old Jake and we kind of wanted him back. Because of his lip his smile was so much bigger than other babies and to us that made him a much happier baby. His new smile is smaller but that's because his new mouth is smaller so therefore it makes him not as happy? No, obviously not, but it all goes through your mind. Within an hour we were back on the ward and staring at him in all the amazement that we experienced four months ago when he was born...it felt like we were back to square one. Having just got rid of the kid gloves it felt like we needed them again and had to be so much more gentle with him. It's really just because he looked so pissed off and dopey that we felt that. The most upsetting thing is that he wasn't himself and there was no way we'd be getting the smile (old or new version) that we were starting to get on demand.

As, predicted I got to sleep on the floor which made me feel like I'd been worked over by a baseball bat but did manage a few hours. Clare got up to feed Jake at 5am and I snuck into her pull down bed and fell into a deep sleep for a couple of hours and this saved me.

Then by 2pm on Friday we were home. We still cannot believe how successful the operation was and what a massive difference a day makes. The new lip and nose look great and it's just the biggest relief that this part of it is over. The operation includes some repair work to the front of the hard palate (the bit your tongue touches when you use the letter T or D) so this acts as scaffolding for the rest of the palate repair in May or thereabouts.

We're so grateful to the whole team and efficient process that made it as bearable as possible and feel much more assured about the second operation now we've been through this one. Here are some photos of our fantastic brave boy.

Now breathe!

The big week

It is a big week, a very big week. It's a week we've been waiting for since 2.30pm, Thursday the 22nd of May 2008. That's 7 months and 3 weeks of research, anxiety, waiting and preparation for the first of three operations that we know about and perhaps others that we don't yet know about.

Since Jake was born and most of the worry about the cleft disappeared, a lot of the original issues have taken a back seat, but now other issues, those about the actual surgery have come to the fore.

Ann, our community specialist nurse visited last week and we bombarded her with questions, many of which she'd already answered when she first visited. The running order is as follows;

Weds 14:00 - we arrive at St. Thomas' and 'check in' to our accomodation which is a shared appartment annexed to the hospital.

Weds 15:00 - pre-admission clinic. Jake will be given the once over to make sure he's fit and well enough for the surgery. If he has even the slightest cough or cold they will postpone the op for at least the next three weeks. Whilst I wouldn't say we're looking forward to it all, the last thing we want is to have to come home without having had it done.

Weds evening - at leisure. Yeah right.

Thurs 06:00 - wake Jake, feed Jake, begin the starvation.

Thurs 07:00 - take Jake to the ward to get him settled and wait. The first surgery slot is 09:00 and we're more than a bit pissed off that he's not first up. The other 2 operations are not clefts and they're not on babies so I think it's a bit unfair to make him wait when the other patients could be made to understand. But I would say that I suppose

Thurs 13:00 - pre meds are administered and Jake is taken to theatre. This part will, without doubt, be the hardest for us. Jake will be fine as he'll be in morphine-induced euphoria but we'll be holding his hand watching him go under and then they will administer the anesthetic. God I'm dreading that. I'm getting bored of crying in hospitals and I'm pretty sure my sissy girl habit will be in full effect at precisely this moment.

Thurs 13:30-17:00ish - we go out, anywhere but the ward we're told, for the long wait while our brave little man has the first op to put the things in the places which nature didn't quite get right.

Thurs 17:30ish - we get the call and go down into the recovery area and watch him come round ready to feed. He ought to be hungry but he's going to seem grumpy and a bit disorientated. Not surprising really. I had a few operations as a boy and although none of them pleasant, at least I was aware of the situation and knew roughtly what to expect. Jake is 18 weeks old and hasn't got a clue of what's happening and will have no idea of where he is or what has just happened when he wakes up. The pain ought not be an issue as the anesthesia will manage that but his new lip line will feel odd and numb. Either way, we'll be braced for this phenomenon which is supposed to cause us to be upset at seeing that his appearance has changed. I can understand it, but I think it's as much seeing him groggy and fed up as much as with his new lip.

Thurs evening - we get to spend it back on the ward with the new Jake and one of us at least will get a pull down bed next to his. If there is a spare bed on the ward then the other gets that, if not, it'll be a night in a chair for me!

Friday - Jake will be monitored for a while and given another once over (I don't mean to sound flippant, I'm sure it's pretty thorough!) and as long as the docs are happy they'll send us home.

For two weeks, pain killers will be necessary and these will be a mixture of liquid paracetamol and ibuprofen and we will slowly wean him off them. We'll have to start applying an ointment onto the scar after this and over the next 18 months or so we will do this every day to help with the redness and general settling down. At first the scar will be perfect insofar as it will be the full length of the lip. After a few months the scar will begin to retract and this will cause the lip to retract a little so the repair will look better at first and then appear to get a little worse but then the scar elongates again. The skill of the repair work is to make sure that when the scar finally settles into place it is the right length and will then just grow as Jake does. In over 500 operations the surgeon has done just 2 revisions have been necessary based on where the lip / scar ultimately finished up.

So there you have it. It's gonna be a toughie this week but ultimately worthwhile. I think the waiting and bit in the theatre beforehand will be the worst but it's not about us, we have to step up and 'be a man' for our little soldier in his first battle.

I may do an mobile update at the hospital but no promises! A full entry with photos will come Fridayish depending on how much sleep I get in an upright chair. In short, don't hold your breath!

Jake's first Christmas

Well that's that then. Christmas done and dusted for another year. To be honest I thought he'd be completely none the wiser but I do think he got something from it. Firstly the presents, he was obviously a very lucky boy to get all the stuff he got, lots of nice soft toys and things for his bedroom which will all stimulate his senses and help him develop his coordination. He also seemed to like the wrapping paper. I think next year he'll enjoy the paper and the boxes and then the year after he'll be really into it and that's when the fun will properly begin. My two nieces are 3 and a half and 1 and a half and whilst present opening is carnage it is wonderful to see how excited and happy they are. I joke with my sister that 'it's all about the kids', but it really is and Christmas is going to get better and better from now on.

We had a lovely time but probably did too much. Christmas day started at home, loading up the car and going to my parents for breakfast which gave us an opportunity to partially empty the car of presents, only to replace them with many more before going to Clare's parents for the main event. I went home from Epsom to Guildford to feed the cat and dump some stuff so I could go back to Epsom to pick up wife and child (and more presents) so we could go back to my parents for Boxing day....then on Saturday we took everything home, dumped it before travelling up to Hertfordshire for an annual post Christmas walk and pub / soup / drinks event. Then on Sunday we had an easier journey to Esher for a semi reunion with some old school friends. It was nice to get home and do absolutely nothing for a while before coming back to work.

Jake was obviously mr. pass the parcel and on the whole seemed to like meeting his cousins and auntie and uncle and other family friends and I think it did him good....lots of people leave their babies in quarantine for the first six months which I don't think is good for them but more importantly sends their parents mad...staring at four walls for too long is not a good thing. I'm really pleased that we've carried on with our lives as much as we have and I hope it will make Jake a bit more independent. Judging by how happy he was in the arms of people he'd never met before I think he's on the right path. Clingy babies do my head in and I'm sure it's a result of rods being made for new parents' backs.

Anyway it was a really nice, if tiring break and now the countdown is on to the New Year and the Jakesters' op on the 15th of January. Then we're thinking about a winter sun holiday and weighing up the distance we're prepared to travel with how hot we want it to be is a bit tricky.

Also congrats to Ben, Malos and Anna who got the Godparent gig; very worthy winners! It's always hard choosing the candidates and you have to leave some people out but we plan on having more kids so there will (hopefully) but more slots available in the future!

Here are some Christmas pics

Christmas

Well it's been quite a while since the last entry as I've started to develop a condition which combines writer's block, man-flu, apathy and denial!

Basically this blog was a reaction to how I felt and continued to feel throughout the not-knowing period between getting the news of the cleft and meeting Jake. The blog then developed into a more factual, less emotional vehicle to express our ongoing feelings and now I guess it feels more of a diary. And diaries are things which are often left to deteriorate without the proper motivation. I remember 3 different years when I was growing up where I resolved to keep a diary and always by June the entries started to get shorter and messier until in the end they stopped altogether as if the year in question immediately preceded the Apocalypse.

It's all about motivation you see. Initially the motivation was a by-product of necessity. I desparately needed to get all the crap in my head out and cathartic as that was, it had its own by-product which was a kind of newsletter for friends and family to learn about the situation. The motivation continued as we got more news, learned more and had feedback about the blog. So it became cyclical. Of course now the cleft is no more an issue (to us at least) than a funny birth mark or weird shaped head from the Ventouse, the motivation to tell everyone that 'we're cool with it all' goes away. Everyone's met our little man and no one's reacted badly to seeing the cleft and whilst I wouldn't expect them to, even if they felt differently inside, I like to think that the blog, which many of our f & f have seen may have taught a few things to a few people. I don't mean that arrogantly, but I found it useful so perhaps others have too.

Also, Jake is impossibly cute and has such a lovely nature and personality (not so much at 4am though) and this helps us along nicely.

I did, however commit to keeping this blog going until at least until after the second op and for Jake's sake (!) I must get over my laziness and realise that a promise is a promise. Plus I think it'll be an interesting read back in 5,10 and 20 years' time.

So the poor little thing has had mild bronchilitus, which has been going round his NCT pals but it wasn't deemed serious enough to keep him in hospital, unlike one of the others. Baby Callum who was born 6 weeks early and spent a lot of time in hospital then, returned for a week with the infection and must be completely sick of the place by now. Anyway Jake is getting over this first illness and whilst it's horrible to hear him rattling and wheezing it might help him develop his immune system. Unlike his Dad, that is, who now has classic, full blown man-flu.

I went out with the other halves from the NCT group last week and we all had a fair few pints and a great night....despite my initial misgivings this was the best thing we could have done, the lads are all good guys and Clare is great friends with all her lot too.

We're looking forward to Jake's first Christmas very much and I think every Christmas from now on will just get better and better until he become a cynical teenager!

There will be a lot of photos going up soon, including one of Jake wearing his first Arsenal kit, a gift from uncle Malos....it's funny but when you see someone else's baby in football wear it just looks awful and chavvy and pikey but when it's your own it looks very cute indeed. I don't think he'll leave the house in it, but it does make for some good photos!

Merry Christmas everyone!

Another best friend for Jake is brewing!

This was the one I couldn't tell you about. However the news is now official that my godson, Noah will be getting a baby bro or sis next May. Massive congrats to Ben, Candy and Noah. Ben's my best mate and our parents are great friends too so I can't wait to carry that tradition onto the next generation. Awesome news. Happy Friday!

Jake's new girlfriend

So Jake has a potential girlfriend on the horizon. Aniela Sarah Leyland was born on the 13th of November at 5.20am weighing in at 8lb 8oz. Huge congratulations to Mark and Julia on the birth of their beautiful daughter and also to Ethan who now has a sister to look after / boss about / go out with her friends etc!

The babies are coming thick and fast now and it's nice to see life reassuringly cycle on. Cliches are only cliches because they're true and we see them time and time again and although some people venture off at tangents (and good luck to them), many of us do tread a well worn path which takes us from early (and mid for some) twenties hedonistic, carefree lifestyles to a honeymoon period followed by a little 'settling down' and finally into parenthood and all that that entails. I'm keen that this part of my life doesn't turn me into a polo neck wearing sad bastard but I am enjoying it immensely, despite the lack of sleep. When you get married you become validated as a couple and it seems when you have a child you feel validated as a grown up, someone worthy of a child and deemed responsible enough to look after it. It's a good feeling. Despite the lack of sleep.

It brings me on to a horrible subject from the news over the last two weeks. The case of baby P who was tortured by his mum, partner and lodger. It wasn't just a case of malnourishment or neglect; it was actual torture. I would have been shocked before but since having Jake it actually made me feel nauseous to read about it all. The worst thing is that a jury or judge wouldn't be able to find anyone of these arseholes guilty of delivering the final blow which killed the baby and therefore they cannot be charged with murder. I have a friend who works in adoption and the process is very lengthy and onerous as you would expect and it's terrible to think that perfectly wonderful childless couples have to go through hell to adopt but fucked up evil people like this are able to procreate and abuse their children under the noses of the social services. I'm a little right wing and for most people I think prison is a decent punishment as it gives them time to regret although I can never decide if I'd like to see some eye-for-an-eye retribution delivered. So I have to weigh up the fact that, whilst satisfying, this would end the suffering of the perpetrator whilst the victims families continue to suffer, against the cost of keeping them in prison. In this case, however I'd happily throw the last stone and see these monsters ended for good. And if that makes me as bad as them so be it.

On to happier things now as Jake's official head wetting takes place this weekend. I love this tradition. Just as Valentine's is a commercial opportunity which hides behind a tradition of love, a head wetting ceremony is purely an excuse for blokes to get away and get lashed up. I'm sure there's tales of yore which involve the child being present and wine or similar is poured over the its head to ward off the evil spirits or something but let's not clown around here, we're going out to get pissed! Anyway I'm looking forward to it but am slightly nervous as it's an early start and although I like a drink I haven't got properly drunk in almost 3 months so it could get messy.

Jake is now almost 13 pounds, double his birth weight. Good boy!

Jake's new best friend

Henry Willem Smith was born at 2.30pm on the 11th of November to Rob and Milly. Congratualtions to all three of them. He weighed in at a very respectable 8lbs 10oz and mother and baby are doing well. It's great for Jake to have a friend round the corner and I'm sure those two will get up to all sorts.

They're shortly to be joined by another little boy or girl from Weybridge when our friend Julia gives birth and then next February, the three of them will have another friend in baby Tulloch. I can't wait until there's a little gang. Growing up my parents had 4 sets of friends who all had a baby girl within the same year, followed a couple of years later by a boy and we had some brilliant Christmasses and holidays together. Also I've known my best friend all my life and we spent as much time together as possible growing up. It always felt cooler to have a best mate that wasn't necessarily someone I went to school with. It me anticipate the school holidays and the odd weekend with all the more excitement. Good memories come from those special occasions and all these families lived quite some distance apart, so to have this lot on the doorstep should be brilliant.

There's also another baby brewing, which I can't mention yet but one that I'm very excited about. This time next year is going to be a very busy and noisy time! Happy days.

I love Jake's t shirt in this picture.

Sleep!

So Jake managed a 6 hour sleep stint the other night. The only problem was that it was from 6pm to 12 midnight...that said however, he proved to us he can sleep for 6 hours at a time. The next sleep was for 4 hours as well which gave us at least one sleep cycle.

We have a clock which projects the time onto our ceiling, have had for years and we've come to rely on it so as if we're away from home, we have to have some source of knowing the time the second we open our eyes. The advantage now is that we know exactly to the minute (the clock is automatically synced with the transmitter at Rugby!) when his last feed was started, when he fell back to sleep and how long he's been asleep. We're pretty sad I guess but we actually wake each other up to express our excitement that he's let us sleep for longer!

He's getting there, the little bundle of wonder.

Last night we took him to his first fireworks display. 'Display' is a little flattering as it was more a sound show due to the intense fog and firework smoke and ultimately the kind of show that the expression 'a damp squib' was designed for. If you care, a 'squib' is a firework of sorts, hence a damp one being something of an anticlimax. Anyway he went and he stayed awake which is very rare for an evening. He normally does his long sleep during our evening, which is good because we get to have a normal time together in the evening but not so good as we never know how long his next period of sleep will be. Anyway as he was awake throughout, we were convinced that this was to be 'the night', the night he slept for 6 hours during the correct period of the night. Predictably he didn't. It was Clare's turn to do both feeds and I woke up during both and was a bit disappointed but reminded myself that he's an eight week old baby and isn't going to do as he's told just yet!

Clare took the little man to craneology yesterday which is good for babies born via the dreaded forceps. They can sometimes get a pain in their necks and lower backs because of the concertina effect of a long labour. It seemed to calm him down and was during the part of the day when he screams for 3 hours at a time. The specialist reckons one more session will do the trick, which will be a welcome relief for Clare who has to deal with the screams before I get home from work to help her out.

He's starting to smile almost daily now and it's just amazing every time. A little feedback goes a long way and one smile makes you forget all about the lack of sleep, the screaming and the poo explosions in an instant. Bless him.

Here's a picture with his new monkey.

January 15th

That's the date. That's the date our surgeon will fix Jake's smile, which coincidentally he used for the first time this weekend. Well, we've seen the smile before but believe it was motivated by wind rather than happiness. The date won't be confirmed until we get it in writing six weeks before the op and any illness will delay it but it is likely to be mid January which was what we'd predicted. Originally we wanted it to be this side of Christmas so all of the pregnancy, cleft news, birth and first operation would be neatly contained within 2008 but this is better, we think, so we can forget about it until after New Year and then it'll upon us in a flash.

We've agreed to enter Jake into the Crane database which is a project that monitors and tracks people with facial abnormalities over time to help further the science of it all. This basically involves having his pictures taken in the hospital studio each time we go. He behaved perfectly today and even opened wide for the palate pics. To be fair he was fast asleep but I am impressed with his impeccable manners all the same. He really is very advanced!

Our friends, Emily and Julia are due to give birth over the next couple of weeks so their babies could arrive any minute now; fingers crossed for nice easy births for Milly, Rob Julia and Mark. We're really looking forward to meeting a couple of little playmates for Jake soon.

7 weeks

Jake will be 7 weeks old on Monday and not much has changed but he's moved up a nappy size. Feed size is the same which means that what comes out is the same size but there's more room for it. Nice.

He ought to be around 10 pounds at the next weigh in which is grobag weight which we're hoping will make him sleep longer. Why it will help, we don't know, we just hope. Anything's worth a try....we actually have it lucky but can't fathom how he's able to kip for 4 hours between 6pm and 10pm and then for only 2 hours at a time through the night.

Jake now spends a couple of hours with Clare in the morning on his playmat, just staring around, taking it all in, but awake and not crying which is really nice. His face is changing and his eyes are open a lot more so we're beginning to find out what he'll look like. Out of interest I Photoshopped a picture of Jake last week and cloned in a complete top lip to see what he's going to look like post-op....I felt really bad afterward but then realised that it wasn't bad, I was just interested. Plus I'd just got a copy of CS3 and needed some subject matter. My reaction to the new image (and most professional a job it was too!) was a bit indifferent which is I guess a sign of how little the cleft bothers me, if at all. I know it's there but really it's only an issue for other people who've never seen a baby with a cleft lip before. There's been a handful of times when people, mainly strangers, crane their necks into the carry cot or baby seat to have a look and manage not to react in the wrong way. They all say he's adorable and cute, which to be fair is true. I feel awkward in these situations but not for the reasons I thought I would. I just don't really enjoy seeing other people in awkward situations and feel embarrassed for them a bit I suppose. I used to think the first op, the lip surgery was more important for us so we'd be proud of our 'normal' baby again but that's not true, we're so proud of how he looks regardless of the cleft; the operation is all about him. Helping put back the bit of his lip that nature put in the wrong place so that he won't have problems in later life. We're meeting the prof on Monday morning and will get dates for the operations. Quite exciting I suppose if that's the right word for it. I do think it will be a horrible time when we have to leave him to go in for the operation. I think that will be the first time when we really feel like parents, when we worry about if he's in pain and that we can't fix it. It'll be weird and upsetting but ultimately rewarding.

Here's some more pics.

Jake Fernie one month on

So we've done a month and it's been fun. And knackering. The first few days is really just a case of staring in wonder at your boy and patting yourselves on the back at how clever you are and telling your wife / husband how proud you are of them. Then you get some confidence and before you know it life starts to return to 'normal'; you're not on the phone to the hospital every time he cries, you know which positions get the best burp and you can jump out of bed at 4am with alarming enthusiasm. So this is now our 'normal' life, one where we don't really do a great deal other than look after Jake, which I believe is the whole point! The walls do start to close in so it's important to do normal stuff, we had a meal out after a week and although we ate it in record time worried all the while he'd wake up, it was good to try and have a life. Of course I get to go to work which serves a few purposes. Firstly it pays the bills, secondly it gives me respite from any incessant crying, squirming, unsettling which in turn makes me miss him more and thirdly, it allows me to have a separate life. It also has its downsides as it means I can't take over from Clare during the day and babies are very trying at times. The major upside about bottle feeding is that both parents can share the feeds and if there's anything that can make you forgive 3 hours of a baby shrieking at you, it's looking into his eyes when he's getting the good stuff. This is where the NCT network has been so good as well as Clare's friends who are almost all pregnant as it gives distraction during the day and a good reason to go out. We find he sleeps better if he's had fresh air which is same for all of us I guess.

I remember writing about how the thought of sleepless nights were the last of my worries after we found out about the cleft(s) and how insignificant their prospect now seemed. Well, given that the clefts now seem almost non-issues, the sleepless nights have come back to worry me accordingly. During the first week Jake slept for 4 hours, woke for a feed and change and then slept for another 4 hours which is really very doable, especially if you alternate it between mum and dad. An eight hour kip every other night is pretty good. Jake's timing is impeccable though and managed to slip into a wake up and scream pattern every 2 - 3 hours just as I went back to work and this has settled nicely so that we really don't know now when we should go to bed, if at all! We thought it was best to feed and get straight into bed (Friday was 9.05 pm - rock 'n roll!) but then he might struggle about for an hour then wake 30 minutes later as we drop off. So it's tricky but that's what it's all about I guess. He also knows the second I put the dinner on the table. Not the minute or roughly as I'm serving up, literally the second it goes down he starts crying. So we've got good at eating in hurry or one-handed.

The first month is definitely different and hard work but it's also wonderful and fascinating and while you do find yourself longing for when he sleeps through and can be awake without screaming or feeding, it's important to take it all in and enjoy it as it's going by so fast. Everyone I know with a 2, 3 or 4 year old sees him and says how you forget how tiny they are and how quickly time goes. So I'm trying to film it all, photograph it all and document everything so we can remember it.

He's got dry skin and baby spots right now but other than that all the health workers are really happy with his progress and weight gain. I got my first proud-dad moment when he aced his hearing test as he was the first cleft-affected baby in 6 years to do that, which I was naturally not surprised about....I got teased at school for having big ears and it seems now, finally some good has come of these gigantic lugholes!

2 more of the NCT babies have arrived since the last post and Clare is hosting this week's get together at our house which may not be big enough to cope with 5 pushchairs! Jake is probably all of 18 inches long but the stuff which comes with him has taken over the entire house.

Till next time, he's a picture of Jake with his proud Grandad.

How I / we feel

This post has been a long or relatively long time coming. There are a couple of reasons, the first being that we've been a bit busy of late, looking after Jake and everything and the second is that I wanted to make sure that how I felt was actually how I felt and not post-birth euphoria.

Jake is 2 weeks and 3 days old today at lunchtime and it's gone in a heartbeat yet feels like he's been a part of the family for ever. Odd, if understandable.

Anyway I think that the emotional roller coaster which we started in earnest back in January when Clare told me she was pregnant and which took several twists and turns along the way, has, I believe made its last turn and is slowly coming to a halt. Sure, we will be getting off of the 'pregnancy with a twist' roller coaster and and climbing on board the much faster, scarier 'the next 18 or so years' roller coaster but we can now do it with much clearer heads.

Between the 20 week scan and when he was born, I saw cleft(s) first and our child second when I shut my eyes. It was almost all consuming and evoked all sorts of emotions both positive and negative. It was a bit of a battle between staying positive and without sounding overly dramatic, breaking down at regular intervals. As I've mentioned we had up and down days, normally separately and each would cheer up the other or rationalise with them until it was their turn to get on the therapy couch and the situation would reverse. I remember way back at the beginning of this blog worrying about other people's reactions to the cleft, now that just seems completely selfish. I was worrying about what other people think because of how it would make me feel! What a difference a day makes!

The birth itself was a stressful time, although we look back and feel lucky that it came two weeks early as it didn't give us too much time to work ourselves up. The most significant part, for me at least, was the bit we went from going in for a cautionary check to being escorted to the delivery suite. There wasn't much time to freak out but if there had've been I would have. It was like the denial of the birth got stronger the closer we got to the date and it was only at the very last moment did I actually realise we were about to have a baby!

I remember looking out of the window in the delivery room watching the world go by and people going about their business. People waiting at the bus stop, drivers on the A3, visitors coming and going and all the while Clare was trying to push Jake out. I'll always remember to look up at the maternity ward when I pass the hospital from now on as a nod to the significant events unfolding for the people inside.

Of every feeling I have or have had in my life, I'll never forget the emotional outpouring when they pulled Jake out and held him up for us to see. Throughout the birth and in fact the latter part of the pregnancy I'm not afraid to admit to being somewhat more emotional than normal. I'm not a typical alpha male and happily wear my heart on my sleeve to a point but I had turned into something of a girl of late. Anyway when Clare started pushing the midwife seemed very happy with the progress and I calmed down. I was even beginning to worry if I would be emotionally affected when the baby was born. Well suffice to say, I was and needn't have worried as I was probably 7 or 8 years old the last time I cried uncontrollably like that!

They put him in my arms after they'd cleaned him up and swaddled him and obviously I looked at the cleft to see its extent but didn't dwell on it for more than a second or two. Given the distress and worry the cleft(s) caused before we'd even seen them, it seems incredible how little they cause now we can see them. Incredible in a good way, a brilliant way in fact. I wrote an entry about how I wanted Jake to change me and it happened just as I wanted even though I thought it was a pipe dream.

Jake has a cleft lip and cleft hard and soft palate. We knew about the lip but not about the palates. They told us that the palates were affected in the delivery room and it was no more significant news than them telling us the colour of his eyes. Seriously, all that we were worried about in respect of the 'defects' disappeared as insignificant detail.

I don't mean to be flippant, obviously these are major things which will need to be fixed by reasonably major surgery, however we can deal with them with clear, level heads as opposed to messed up, neurotic, overly emotional heads.

Jake sleeps well some nights and less well others. He feeds, poos and sleeps just like any other baby and we're so grateful that there are no other issues (touch wood). Clare's been getting used to her new life, seeing visitors, hooking up with the NCT girls (a great decision it was to go to NCT, highly recommended, despite my misgivings!) and enjoying the moments of quiet while he sleeps in the daytime. I get to go home every lunch time and chill with my boy and then spend some time with him in the evening and it's very, very cool.

I am committed to this blog and will continue to document Jake's journey at least until his cleft palate operation which will be sometime in Summer 2009. We are meeting with Professor Haers on October 17th and we'll get a date for the lip operation but it's likely to be in early January.

I feel very lucky to have had such a wonderful son. I wanted a boy all along really!

Jake

The Full Update - facts

Well then, after the first four days of Jake's life I thought I'd go back to last Sunday and make two blog posts. This one, is about the facts and the second one will be about the feelings.

Here goes.

So it's Sunday the 7th of September and we're off to my parents' house for a belated birthday lunch for my dad's 65th. En route Clare mentions that today might be the best day to start my baby-watch-no-more-than-two-units plan, which was not meant to start until Monday, two weeks before the due date. I concurred with a grunt and that became the theme of the day thereafter. Everyone said 'not long now' and I kept refusing the bottle of wine as it came around. Clare was quietly having mild contractions and behaving in her usual demure manner.

Clare is no drama queen but I was convinced these were nothing more than braxton hicks, little warning tremors designed to keep us on our toes. My conversations were pretty much all centered around the fact that I wanted baby to hold off until Friday as I had a presentation to give on Thursday and hadn't yet finished the document what with the final all day NCT meeting on Friday and all.

We left at around 7 and by 8 Clare was pacing the living room every 5-8 minutes. I was getting her to blow out the candles (a ridiculous, NCT-prescribed exercise where you hold up your fingers and get her to blow at them as if they were cake candles). Over the next three hours the contractions, as we were now convinced they were, got stronger and started coming more often. Eventually I phoned the maternity ward at midnight for some advice. They asked me if Clare had felt the baby move recently and Clare couldn't remember if she had. So she had some sugary biscuits, freezing water, jiggled about a bit and played some music for chickpea but no movement came. I reported this back to the ward and they said we ought to come in as a precaution.

We grabbed the bags and put the cat food timer on and headed to the hospital, a 5 minute journey at half past midnight on a Sunday. It's a weird time to be in a car, can't remember the last time I was at that time. Anyway the midwife greeted us and hooked Clare up to the baby heart rate monitor and contraction monitor and left us for half an hour. The contractions kept coming and Clare was in more and more pain. The next blog post will go into all of the emotional bits; remember these are just the facts. We were worried that they would tell us that these were the very early throes and we ought to come back later but upon 'examination' the midwife told us Clare was 4cm dilated and we were definitely having the baby before long. So we moved from the antenatal ward to the delivery ward to sit it out.

The gas and air kicked in for me but Clare didn't like it. It got rid of some of the discomfort but made her feel too light headed. I explained that that was the point but Clare doesn't like to be out of control and never gets drunk so she wasn't prepared for it. After almost 8 hours of contraction pain she elected to have a mobile epidural. Royal Surrey try to persuade you to have Pethidine which is a drug which doesn't numb but puts you out of it much like gas and air but then some. Clare didn't want that as it can make you feel sick, so epidural it was.

The anesthetist turned up half an hour later and got Clare to sign the form declaring that she'd understood that if he slipped and gave her a spinal tap she could get a headache which would last for a year, or worse lose the use of her legs. It must have been painful because she didn't flinch and signed straight away. The anesthetist had a good bedside manner, although a little too much of a dry sense of humour. I know he was trying to put Clare at ease but given the disclaimer and the job in hand, I'd have rather no sense of humour at all. Anyway the epidural went it and no headache occurred and within 20 minutes Clare was telling me she was having massive contractions but only because that's what the monitor was telling her! How anyone can do contractions like hers were but for another 9 hours and then push out a baby is beyond me.

Anyway we sat there talking and trying to nod off until seven am when I sent some messages to work so they could finish what I hadn't and we spoke to our parents to let them know it was all happening. The cervix dilates at a rate of one cm per hour and at 10 cms, you're ready to push. Epidurals tend to slow the process down a bit so they leave you for an extra couple of hours to get he head down as low as possible. At 11 am, the midwife told Clare to start pushing with every contraction. Three pushes each time and I was holding her hand and, bizarrely, also pushing!

An hour in, they put up a drip to help the contractions and after 2 hours I was told to get my scrubs on as we were theatre bound. Again, this post is not about feelings but suffice to say it was an intense 30 minutes of getting ready and signing more disclaimers and whatnot while they got everything ready.

I won't describe the position that the apparatus helped Clare to get into as she may not thank me, but it's not a position you'd ever choose. I had my head next to Clare's trying everything to console and calm her but actually she was fine and the advice I was giving was more for me than anything!

At one point, I made the mistake of looking up and seeing the surgeon holding a pair of forceps which looked like a nut cracker which was disturbing but I didn't have long to dwell as Clare was being told to push like her life depended on it. They were all shouting that they could see the head and with one more herculean push, they pulled the baby out, seemingly in one go and held him up for us to see. Covered in blood and gook, all I saw was his groin and blubbed shouted,

'it's a boy!'

The next hour is still a blur but Jake was cleaned up and giving to me while Clare was sorted out and we all headed back to our room to gaze in amazement at our bundle of joy.

We had all the usual health visitors over the next few hours including Ann, our cleft specialist who showed us how to feed him. The hard and soft palate are affected, although it hasn't affected his sucking mechanism or swallowing so he's feeding incredibly well.

I send a text to friends and family and within minutes my phone was going berserk. I got over a hundred texts and emails and Facebook comments within just a couple of hours which was very nice, and I read them all to Clare and we spent much of the next few hours with tears in our eyes. Must have been a very dusty room.

At 8 I went home, had a beer and passed out. We were discharged at 8pm on Tuesday and enjoyed the special moment of bring Jake across the threshold of his new home. Then he started crying. And crying and crying. No dirty nappy, fully fed, winded and just wouldn't stop. Then I started singing and he stopped. Most people start crying when I sing, not the other way around! Anyway it worked so who cares. Now Clare and I use harmonies to get him to stop and we're getting quite good at humming the low and high parts of Jerusalem at 4 in the morning!

Since we've had loads of cards and deliveries and people dropping in and it's been great. Last night a few friends came over and cooked us a meal and then washed up and it was all lovely. All babies are greatly anticipated but I think Jake is being extra spoiled as people have followed his journey with particular interest due to his different start in life. I will talk about the clefts in the next post but for now you should know that none of it seems like a big deal any more. We have a wonderful son and I couldn't really care less about a couple of slight issues.

He's been sleeping really well and we've got him so he feeds just before we go to bed and then wakes for a feed and change at 4am and then again at 7.30am....if it stays like this, I'll be surprised and very happy but for now, especially as I'm not at work, it's a piece of cake given the end result. I snuck out yesterday afternoon to give the presentation and it all went well and I think the sympathy card I played regarding how tired I looked might do us some good.

So all in all it's been a busy week. I can't believe it's Friday already.